Sunday, March 27, 2011

"I choose me." Dylan Mckay

Spent most of the weekend at Dante's. We had a "talk" about my concerns regarding the amount of time he is willing to dedicate to this relationship. Or whatever this is between us. I told him I don't feel he's into this as much as he used to be. Anytime I suggest we do something he has a birthday party, or some bear event, or some fucking random person is in town or staying with him. I understand his social life is important to him but if I'm supposed to be the man he's attempting to build a relationship with he should make it a point to spend time with me as well. I don't feel it's too much to ask. He told me he has alot he still wants to accomplish. With his career, personal goals of his. It seems he's not sure if he wants to be with someone right now. He assured me he wasn't trying to have "the breaking up conversation".

"But I think I am," I told him. I deserve to be with someone who wants to be with me. I refuse to attach myself to someone who's unsure whether they want to be with me or not just so they can turn around and decide they want to be with someone else while my feelings continue getting deeper and stronger. I played that game all to recently to not remember that lesson.

He asked me to spend the night with him. I agreed. I thought we were going to talk. He went on a video game shopping spree with his new credit card he's trying to rack up airline mile on and we played his PS3 till we fell asleep.

The next day he had some fat, sweaty Bear event he and his friend's like to frequent. I'm for eating and all, and I believe everyone should be happy in their own skin, BUT, after seeing some of the pictures Dante posted of the event last night... I haven't given up hope on myself like that yet. I think Dante's a chubby chaser. Fuck that, a fat fuck chaser. I'm not angry at the pictures of random ugly, fat guys pulling on his zipper or kissing him or nudging their heads ever so gently against his, but it's just not what I think I can deal with in someone I am in a relationship with. Plus the added sting of him adding a folder of pictures of the year and not one of us. He has pictures of dates where he were together but just not of me. Like he had to purposefully skip over any picture I was included with to add others. And after two months, if he still doesn't know about me it's obvious he's just not that into me. And I've never been into guys who aren't into me.

Three days. Friday, Saturday and Sunday. And not one could have been just about us. Tonight he had dinner plans with his ex-roommates and an, ready for it?, out of town visitor. He has plans. So I have plans. Ron, the homeless shelter worker who manages an amateur football team in his spare time, invited me out to watch Sucker Punch in IMAX at Navy Pier tonight. Why shouldn't I enjoy spending time with someone who seems to genuinely appreciate my company.

I just don't want to do anything to further have Dante question me. He told me during our conversation he had issues with the way I live my life. Cause I spent the last two days at Deejay's. What-THEFUCK-ever. I guess that's just it. I don't want to be with someone who so obviously doesn't really know who I am and has based an opinion on me stemming from his own obsessive compulsive thoughts. Point is, Dante doesn't make me feel good about myself. I feel like a child on the verge of being admonished when I'm with him. A simple thing like accidentally kicking my glass of red wine over onto his mattress topper had me worried how bothered Dante really was.

"I'll get over it."

Really? It's that serious? After spending all afternoon shopping for furniture with him and sticking around to help set up his new computer table. It's what I knew from the beginning. Dante's way too uptight. But only about the things he CHOOSES to be. I'm sorry but someone who claims to be such a nazi about everything wouldn't have the inside of their car be the garbage can on wheels he has his, and since he's moved in to his new place I think I've cleaned up his place and thrown out his garbage more often than he has. He even tried to say his boss telling his to "step it up" at work had something to do with how much he stresses about us. I can't even count how many times I hear how he's done absolutely nothing at work but look up beemers, or update his friends from out of town.

He's a great guy and has done so much to help me in my current situation but I don't think he's necessarily the guy for me.

I love Dante. I'm so thankful for everything he has done for me. But I know when a situation isn't going to end well. I feel like if I continue on this way I'm just gonna end up broken hearted. I think I'm going to have to break up with him.

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