Friday, March 4, 2011

rest in peace Eddie

I partied with Marky the other night. We haven't hung out just the two of us in some time. We kinda took a break after the whole Matt drama but it was good to see him. Had an awesome time.

Marky filled me in on Abe running off to the lone star state to "visit family" for a couple months. I have a feeling his parents sent him away to clean out. The last couple times I saw him he seemed pretty deep into the scene. I was almost worried but anytime I would question him he assured me he had everything in control. I can't help but to remember my old friend, Eddie.

I met Eddie soon after I made my Boystown debut under "Satan's" arm. Anytime we ran into each other at the clubs he would supply me with any party favors needed, pro bono. He was an aspiring singer. He actually had a pretty good voice. We started hanging out outside of the clubs and we became fast friends. I was pretty sure he had a crush on me, but I wasn't really into him as any thing more than a buddy.

So we're out partying one night. I'm with my boyfriend at the time, Andre and Eddie has an old friend from high school and her boyfriend with him. Nothing really seemed out of the ordinary at the time but in hindsight Eddie was being a little more generous with the goods than usual. We after partied at his friend's place for a couple hours before Andre and I made our way back to my place.

The next day when I called Eddie from work I was surprised when his mother answered the phone. She asked who I was than told me he wasn't available at the moment before quickly hanging up. Less than ten minutes later I get a call from Eddie's phone. It's his mother. She tells me Eddie died that morning. It took me a moment to process what she had said. I fought back tears. I gave her my condolences and promptly hung up.

I gotten along well with his friend the night before and exchanged numbers. I quickly called her and she was hysterical. She said they continued to party until Eddie started to feel sick. She and her boyfriend went to bed and left Eddie to sleep on the couch. She found him dead in the morning. She thought he must have just kept snorting line after line until it was too much for him. Eddie was a club dealer, he had endless supplies of whatever guys were in the market for. In all the time I knew him he was under control. Sure he partied, but he knew his limits. This was wrong. He knew better than to accidentally overdose. She than told me he left her a heart felt goodbye. He meant to kill himself. And I knew the letter he left behind wasn't meant for her.

I nervously attended the wake and was disgusted at the circus every morbidly curious fag Eddie ever bumped into at the clubs and all his customers made it feel like. Especially to someone who he actually meant something to. A few days before he died I told him I thought of him as my best friend. He got all sentimental and told me how much I meant to him. I didn't understand what "Satan" (we'll just refer to him as "S" from now on) was doing there specifically.

I cried myself to sleep for a week. I felt like as his friend I should have known something was wrong. If only I would have stayed longer that night and not left him alone with his thoughts. I felt guilty for partying with him that night. Like I assisted him in getting to the point he felt he had no choice but to kill himself. I felt guilty about knowing what I know about the reason behind his suicide.

This is also about where the beginning of the end for Andre and I started. He was actually jealous about the feelings I was having at Eddie's death.

Hopefully Abe gets whatever help he needs. I'm gonna try to visit Eddie's grave soon. I feel like to this day I have yet to have found as good of a friend.

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