Saturday, April 23, 2011

Sometimes it takes your heart time to figure out what your brain already knows.

Yeah. Dante and I? So. FUCKING. over.

I was feeling down the other night. After a high ride with a buddy I just had a lot on my mind.  My job search remains pretty bleak.  I haven't had many good leads lately.  What's worse is I feel like I've been unemployed so long I lost my swagger.  I was the kind of guy who would walk into an interview dripping with confidence.  I was in the mind set these people needed me way more than I needed them, and it showed.  Now I'm wondering if my desperation is permeating through my pores.  I feel the pressure.  There's so much riding on me.  Guess I just needed someone to talk to.

I should have done what I usually do.  Blog.  I vent uninterrupted without exposing any weaknesses and no body has to listen to me bitch and whine about how life sucks.  Win/wins all around.  I had a little more than just my unemployment bothering me. Regardless what I tell people all this back and forth with Dante lately is weighing on me more than I let on.  Figured I'd kill two birds with one stone.  Get things off my chest and talk to Dante.

My mistake.

I got his standard, "everyone goes through it.  It's just life" response.

Really?  Gee, Dante.  Thank you so much.  Here I thought the world revolves around me and everybody was just hunkey-fucking-doory and I'm the only one around with problems.  I needed that reality check.  



Like I don't understand everyone has issues.  So because everyone else is going through their own issues and have their own concerns I can't feel bad about mine.  Guess a little understanding or just an ear to listen is too much to ask for from this guy who I'm supposed to be "cultivating" a friendship with.  Cultivate this you insensitive jerk.  Now I understand what his old roommate and good friend meant when he would refer to Dante as oblivious.  But then he tells me he "still cares" despite how "frustrating" I can be. I wanted to sarcastically apologize for my situation being so frustrating for him.  Since it's been a blast for me and all. I point out how he has a gift for always managing to make me feel worse when I'm down. Later after getting back from pizza, beers and darts with Jaime I find this message waiting for me in my inbox:

I sat there with my net book in my lap for twenty minutes starting and restarting a response.  It was way too late for a call.  I was so angry I cried.  I started to write things along the lines of "fucking prick" and "do us all a favor and get back on your meds".  Thank god Jaime spent the night.  He talked me down.

I just couldn't understand where this is coming from because the person most negatively affected by my unemployment is me.  And it's not like I'm enjoying it.  I don't understand how someone I spent so much time with for so many months can know me so little.  First thing this morning I replied to Dante's message.

I'm not to hurt at the idea those may well be the last words I ever say to Dante.  That was my breaking point.    I can never bring myself to give him another chance to make me feel this bad.

It's so over.  I don't break up with people more than once.

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