Monday, April 18, 2011

The problem with Jaime and I

Jaime was pretty down while I was talking to him the other night.  Understandably so.  Ugly breakup with his retard of a boyfriend.  Issues at home and with his money situation.  And to already kick a dog when he's down his family planned to get him a cake and sing Happy Birthday to him while his father and brothers were all home.  While out shopping for groceries the idea must have slipped their mind.  Excitedly Jaime rummaged through the bags wondering what kind of cake they got him and came up with nothing.  They forgot.  Poor kid.  He felt guilty about letting it get to him.  "I'm gonna be twenty five years old," he pointed out trying to make himself feel better.  "It's not even my birthday yet."

Of course my inclination to want to protect him, to want to make him feel better kicked in.  Jaime was a bit tipsy.  He downed a couple rum and cokes after work and began to drunkenly tell me how he tries to be a good person but he's really not.

It was like something clicked in my brain.  I agreed with my best friend, silently to not further salt any wounds.  I love Jaime, but is he really a good person?  He can be self centered and selfish, manipulative and not very honest, especially when he's trying to prove his "innocence".  "Can be."  In the right situation can't we all? 

Slutty: "MaryKate?" Jaime: "Yes Ashley?" Slutty: "Have you ever noticed we somehow manage to unknowingly match clothes with each other in most of the pictures we've ever taken together?"  Jaime:  "Great minds."

Jaime once again brought up his feeling that things ended the way they did with The Retard as somehow pay back.  "Like I deserve this."


I asked him to elaborate.  He couldn't bring himself to answer attributing his silence to not being able to put how he feels into words.

For what you did to me, I wanted to point out.  For how you treated me, I wanted to scream but thought it too insensitive.

Hearing Jaime himself pointing out his flaws made me think about my own spotty history with my best friend, and all the events, good and bad, that led us to this point in each other's lives.  I try not to dwell on the past when it comes to this decade-plus, twisted but loving dance I've been in with Jaime.  I wonder whose leading at the moment.  I decided to forgive the past indiscretions and betrayals and move on so we can try our best to recapture that special friendship we once shared.  But sometimes it can't be helped.  Sometimes I can't help  think about the searing betrayal I felt when Jaime believed The Retard over me.  When I was made to look like the evil villain in the situation.  When the man I believed was my soul mate made me the bad guy in order to save face.  And all to keep this fucking creep who Jaime called his soul mate.  Guess Jaime can switch in and out of soul mates like plaid shirts.  I can still feel the pain reading those words in Jaime's very own voice.  I felt alone and empty.

"If he was your soul mate all this time... then what did that make me?"

Now after the fact he wants to toast over beers at never letting another asshole come in between us.  I noticed the hurt, and annoyance, on Jaime's face when I couldn't join him in his toast.  "Given the history," I told him.  "That's gonna have to be proven through actions."  That's always been one of my main issues with Jaime.  The bothersome way he reacts to situations and conversations that become to uncomfortable.  He treats them like a slight bother.  A mild annoyance.  Very rarely lending merit if it means he has to cop to something he may have done.

Now he wants to tell China I was right.  Now he wants to believe what many people, including yours truly, have told him about this creep.  Now that gays are coming out the woodworks to fill in Jaime about the time his ex tried to hook up with them while they were still together.  Now that he found the online profile The Retard used looking for someone to play water sports with.

I just feel like sometimes with Jaime its what he wants when he wants and to hell with anyone who gets in his way.  Take last Friday.  Plan was to watch a movie, get something to eat and grab a couple of drinks.  Probably come back to my place afterwards to bro out with some old school NES and a few bowls.  Suddenly it's, "China's begging me to let her/him hang with us, I told him to talk to you."  Another thing, he likes putting me in situations where it looks like I'm making the decision but really the only other alternative is being an asshole.  Now, I have nothing against China.  To each their own and all that jazz, but I don't like sitting around for hours waiting for a dude to do his makeup and hair.  Even Jaime has mentioned in the past how uncomfortable he gets sometimes when The Retard insisted they go out with China.  I could imagine.  It would be like a rainbow colored spotlight shining on us all night long.  Which, okay, isn't an issue when we're out fagging it up in Boystown, but at the movies?  With my sister and the douche?  Don't get me wrong, I'm not a self loather or nothing like that but I believe my personality should be more important than my sexuality.

It wasn't long it was suddenly, "Polish wants us to go to Roscoes."  Then, "We're just gonna go to China's and hang while they get ready."  Then we're sitting around for hours waiting for hair and makeup before leaving to bars.  It just seems he always gets his way with me.  Regardless of how I feel about the situation.

Now he's making it a point to tell me about this new twenty one year old kid he's talking to.  Ok, we're buds.  We should share.  But why the fuck does he have to try so damn hard to force feed his love life down my throat.  It's like having The Retard over for New Years that one time.  AT MY PLACE!  Jaime's going on and on about how cool this guy would be and how he reminds him of me and how he thinks he would make a good addition to "the guys".  I had to look around.  "What guys?"  Now he wants to bring this kid over to my place cause he challenged him to a Wii Smash Bros tournament.  What does that have to do with me?  Go to the kids house.  Or take him over to China's house.  Why do I have to be involved in his love life like that?  And he's so passively aggressive about it.

Someone remind me why we're friends again.

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