Monday, February 28, 2011

silence is golden

It seems like Dante and I have been on a constant up and down in our relationship lately. Sometimes it's just a bit too frustrating. There's already the issue he's having at the similarities in personality he notices between me and his last boyfriend. I can't help we both liked comic books, and enjoyed smoking pot. He says he's not comparing me but he's brought it up on more than one occasion during his extended rants on this thing between us. It's a little difficult to get talked at about yourself. I understand he needs to work out the things in his head and say things out loud but I told him I didn't think I was the best person to do that with since we're discussing us. I can't unhear things he says when he's thinking things out.

I'm a man of a few words. When I talk I like to make sure I actually have something to say and there some merit to it. I don't like talking out of my asshole. That being said I enjoy being able to be next to someone and do my own thing while they do theirs. Like being in each others presence is enough. There's no need to force conversation to stifle the silence. I don't feel the need to entertain them. Companionship like that is rare. It's what I had a lifetime ago with Gino and most recently with The Mistake. Sometimes I find myself tuning people out because they go on about the most frivolous and mundane things. If they're someone whose feelings I don't want to necessarily hurt I smile and nod politely, trying my best to seem interested without really encouraging them to go on. I don't want to be in a relationship where I find myself tuning my partner out. Sometimes when Dante goes on about some tangent I can't help but think, "really? This is what you're bitching about?" I couldn't help but to tell him this, since we were being honest about what bothers us about the other person. I didn't want him thinking the mostly made up "concerns" he has with making it official with me are anywhere near the real concerns I have about it. He was kinda taken back and told me he sometimes mistakes my nonchalance for me not caring. His statement kinda opened up a can of worms and I opened up a lot. Even cried a little. I was feeling needy. I needed someone. I thought he would be there for me. He wasn't. Of course, he has another out of town guest coming to visit and needed to prepare for that. I can understand his not wanting to get lost in love with me to the point we can't stand to be apart for a moment and stops living his life but then there's making me feel I have no place in his life, until he's available for me. I played that game already. I have no interest in jumping into something where I'm made to feel what I take the back seat to everything and one else.

During our conversation Dante told me he spent the entire week trying to build up the courage to ask me to be his boyfriend. To make it exclusive. Funny, he still hasn't. He wants romantic. He wants expressive. He went on how his ex from Florida made him feel so special and showed him how he deserves to be treated. I'm like what the fuck do you want me to do? Feed you grapes and fan you as you clear you're dvr? Felate him while he eats a christmas ham? I'm getting tired of having to guess what he wants. I'm not a fucking mind reader. Why can't he just tell me what he wants.

I can't be sure what it is Dante does or doesn't want but I know for sure what I do and don't.

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