Seems like everyone I know has been feeling under the weather lately. My stubbornness coupled with my fear of syringes and hospitals caused me to prolong my much needed doctors visit to the point I'm now counting down the moments to my appointment later this week in hopes the right side of my head doesn't explode with infection till then. Both Matt and Marky got rushed to the emergency room on two separate occasions last week; the former due to a bleeding ulcer, the later for a high fever. I found out Abe's taking medication for some lung infucktion when I invited him out on high ride the other day. They're all ok now but I just got a call from Deejay inviting me over to his place to be sick together. Guess he got a bad case of the flu. My sickness is viral, last thing I need is to toss in a petri-dish of bacteria to the mix. Gonna have to pass on the sick party. As fun as it may sound.
The plan is to stay put, load up on medicine and vitamins and rest until I knock this thing out of me. No more late night blunt rides with the boys to get greasy Mexican or shaking my drunk ass at some club till 5 in the morning. Not until I get better.
Spoke to Dante for a moment earlier. I think I can use this self induced medical exile as some time to give him space. Maybe we can both figure out what it is we want. He asked me last night if I was still upset. I really couldn't gauge his question enough to answer one way or another. We used to be so honest with our feelings. It used to be so easy between us.
I made plans for dinner and a movie with a good friend of mine I haven't seen in a long time later this week if I'm up for it. I think it would be a good way to clear my mind. I don't feel comfortable talking to neither Deejay or Matt regarding these new issues I've been having with Dante. I can't help but to feel like either of their opinions regarding Dante and I are biased. Deejay feels the need to compete with any breathing thing in the room and Matt never really appreciated Dante's existence much after that night of drunken dancing while I was dating Matt and Dante and I were just friendly acquaintances. Dante was a little extra attentive to me that night and Matt walked in on us beside the stage with our heads in extreme close proximity to one another. After following Matt outside the club where he angrily stated he doesn't compete for guys and if Dante's what I want then he's not going to stand in between it. I felt so horrible for Matt's big sad blue eyes. I felt guilty. I told him he was what I wanted. To this day Matt neither admits to or denies asking me to be exclusive with him that night in order to secure me away from Dante. Needless to say Matt isn't very shy about his feelings about Dante and I.
Got a message from The Mistake this morning. He's still under the impression it's a good idea to pretend to remain friends. I, on the other hand, don't overestimate my importance in his life like he does his in mine. I ignored it. This was after I heard through the gay grape vine The Mistake somehow managed to get into two car accidents in one day yesterday. I think his message was an invitation for me to inquire about his well being. To make himself a part of my life once again. I couldn't help compile a list in my head of everything I lost because of him. My car. A couple jobs. A few friends neglected while I attended to his needs. My family's respect. My self esteem. Almost ten years of my life. After everything we went through how can I possibly go back to being his "friend". Like that will erase all the pain and the hurt and the lies and manipulations. He invited me to his father's birthday party last weekend. For a moment I almost accepted the invitation. Despite everything a part of me will forever miss him. Love him and his family. For so long they were considered my family as well. Feeling's like that just don't disappear because a relationship doesn't work out. But I tried already. As much as I would like to take my usual spot around the family table I don't feel right anymore. It doesn't feel like it's my place anymore. It's been tainted. It reeks of The Retard. Something I remember telling The Mistake on one of the few occasions we bumped into one another since the end. "You don't smell like you used to. You smell like..."
Sometimes I'm tempted to revert back to the old me. Back to the kind of guy who would destroy him and anyone who wronged me with a roll of the eye. Systematically strip every one and thing they hold dear until they're left with nothing else but their own miserable existences. Believe me, the plots have gone through my head. The plans made and perfected numerous times. I'm just a different person now. I don't wish neither one any bad, but I wouldn't mind and may actually hide a smirk at the news of their random misfortunes. What goes around comes around, fuckers. And Karma is a bigger bitch than I can ever aspire to be.