Beating off the pain away

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." Dr. Suess

Funny how one's interpretation of art is based on their experience.  When Jun first showed me this painting titled Balloon Girl by an artist I can't remember at the moment, I appreciated it for the beauty in it's simplicity. Now, after my breakup with Dante I look at it behind tear soaked eyes.  I feel the little girl's loneliness, the pain of losing something you really loved.  The desperateness in the vain attempt of her little arm reaching for her balloon now breaks my heart and leaves me empty in a way I didn't feel when I first looked at this.

I want to teach the world to smoke and live in harmony....

Wouldn't it be so wonderful if everyone just smoked and chilled the fuck out?

You know who hates Rebecca Black? Hitler. And if you ask him I'm sure Baby Jesus does as well.

And the Rebecca Black bashing continues.  HIGHlarious.

Relationship analysis after a first date followed by blue balled masturbation

Ron kept hinting for me to invite him over after the movie tonight. It went well. Sucker Punch was awesome in IMAX.  Ron, as usual, was great. Adorable, complimentary, attentive, masculine. He had an early meeting at the homeless shelter so we decided not to go out for drinks afterwards like originally planned, but he kept letting me know he had time to come in for a drink or two if I invited him in.

I opted out and blamed it on my early interview in the morning.  I was tempted to invite him in.  I just didn't want to get myself into a situation I would later regret.  I've been having issues with Dante lately and we never officially decided to be exclusive, but we both have mentioned we weren't looking to "see" any one else.  Truth is, right now I don't want to be with anyone else.  I want to work on this, on us.  I feel my current unemployed status is finally wearing on Dante's patience for me.  I think I'm going to need to step back before I become a burden.  Regardless what happens between Dante and I, I don't want anyone to come out of this with hurt feelings.  I especially would hate for him to come out believing I betrayed him.

After a quick good night I thank Ron for the movie and late dinner and headed inside.  Alone.  Wishing Dante would be inside waiting for me to hold while I slept.  Wishing he wanted to be with me as much as I want to be with him.

That being said...



Now that that's out of the way I'm gonna watch Spartacus: Blood and Sand till I pass out.  Alone.

Wonder who this reminds me of?

I caught John Water's A Dirty Shame with Tracy Ullman, Selma Blair and Johnny Knoxville on Netflix the other day. Funny shit. Couldn't help thinking about a certain group of people I've recently become acquainted with when watching the bear scenes.

"I choose me." Dylan Mckay

Spent most of the weekend at Dante's. We had a "talk" about my concerns regarding the amount of time he is willing to dedicate to this relationship. Or whatever this is between us. I told him I don't feel he's into this as much as he used to be. Anytime I suggest we do something he has a birthday party, or some bear event, or some fucking random person is in town or staying with him. I understand his social life is important to him but if I'm supposed to be the man he's attempting to build a relationship with he should make it a point to spend time with me as well. I don't feel it's too much to ask. He told me he has alot he still wants to accomplish. With his career, personal goals of his. It seems he's not sure if he wants to be with someone right now. He assured me he wasn't trying to have "the breaking up conversation".

"But I think I am," I told him. I deserve to be with someone who wants to be with me. I refuse to attach myself to someone who's unsure whether they want to be with me or not just so they can turn around and decide they want to be with someone else while my feelings continue getting deeper and stronger. I played that game all to recently to not remember that lesson.

He asked me to spend the night with him. I agreed. I thought we were going to talk. He went on a video game shopping spree with his new credit card he's trying to rack up airline mile on and we played his PS3 till we fell asleep.

u know how they say pets resemble their owner

I was slightly miffed last week when Dante canceled another plan with me.  I guess it wasn't too important but it's the principal.  He talks so much about keeping his appointments but doesn't think twice to blow me off.

We were supposed to check out a pet adoption drive they were having at Tinley Park.  Of course, he got too busy.  I couldn't help but show him this picture telling him I found the perfect dog for him. :)~

Warning: May induce diarrhea

Who exactly had to suck off who to get this "music video" made? The little annoying bitch has to be related to someone. The picture quality isn't bad, it's actually produced well. Which is the most I can say about this abortion. Who the fuck told this awkward little 13-year-old she could sing?

I'm leading a band to track down Rebecca Black's friend's car and take turns taking shits on it.


"Rebecca didn't wanna take any seat after this one." -Bryon

Drunken RockBand till 4 am and bitchy lil cunts who need a reality check

Hung out at Deejay's playing Rock Band 2 with him and his boyfriend, Jose, yesterday till 4am.

Jose's a cool guy, I can see myself being friends with him. Unfortunately I can already see that being a problem since for awhile there it seemed like Deejay was on a rampage of exploding, homosexual rage with no real target in sight.  Just being a little bitchy cunt in general.  I couldn't help recalling his words recently about how chummy me and Jose are when we all hang out.

"He pays more attention to you than he does me."

Wow.

Deejay's insecure already. He has a tendency to put way too much expectations on guys he's barely seeing and tries to stomp the label of "boyfriend" way too early. Needless to say, he doesn't have the best track record with guys. Then most recently there was the whole Dante debacle, and the Milo thing, not to mention whatever the hell that was with the nineteen year old. Really? After the high horse Deejay straddled on when talking about Matt being twenty to my late twenty-ish.

Then the look he didn't think anyone noticed when Jose fed me shot after shot while I proved myself THE Guitar Hero.

There was more than one occasion I had to remind Deejay I could and would kick his ass if he pushed me too hard with his needlessly p(r)issy comments. I have to remind myself that's just him. He's negative and whiny and, yes, he has a great heart and has been there for me countless times. The thing is he has absolutely no problem unnecessarily reminded me and telling anyone who listens just how much he has been there for me, or anyone else for that matter.

Dante's about ready to completely write him off. The competitiveness can be a bit much. The latest obnoxiously inappropriate topic of conversation brought out being the size and importance of the firm Dante works for. I was busy wailing Alanis Morrisette's You Outta Know with Jose backing me up on guitar so I wasn't aware of this conversation till later when Dante brought it up. I would have barely been able to stop myself from asking Deejay what bullshit online college on par with Devry Institute of Technology did he obtain his degree. You're a frigging medical coder.

Douche bag.

Jose and I do battle for the title of Guitar Hero

"My fingers are small, I can't reach the blue button." Bitch.

At least she's got wardrobe options.

Nerds everywhere have been furiously unleashing their disapproval via their keyboards about the costume new Wonder Woman, Adrianne Palicki, was supposed to wear for David E. Kelley's NBC pilot.  "It looks like something they got from a costume shop."  "It's too bright."  "Where's the American flag inspiration?"  When faced with questions regarding Wonder Woman's new, less patriotic look in the comics recently, DC stated they were attempting to give the character a more international appeal.  Looks like NBC is following suite.

Yes, the original was an icon but in trying to make a series based in current time, how ridiculous is she going to look running around fighting crime in a star spangled bathing suite and leather hooker boots?

Here are a couple photo manipulations I found online who attempt to fix the main issues and make it less "Halloween costumey".

The above puts were in almost the exact costume Diana currently wears in the comic book series.

This one went as far as trying to put her back into the original costume.  "They could have photoshopped better thighs," Jaime complained.  "They look like shaved hams."  Really?

My favorite is the above on the left.  It mutes the bright blue latexy hot pants she's wearing for the show giving her a much more realistic look.  The red boots are also a good touch.  If NBC gives in to all the complaining I hope they go with something more like this.  Not too drastic a change from their original concept, just tweaked a bit. 

Good looking out, Dominoes

Looks like a company's finally unapologetically pandering to their most loyal clients.  Pot heads.  They had me at 4-20.

A netflix movie night...

Caught these two movies on netflix last night during another bout with insomnia.  Great recommendations.  Highly recommended.

The first was Beat starring Kiefer Sutherland as openly gay writer William Boroughs and Courtney Love as his estranged wife, Joan.  It's the true story about the college days of a circle of friends who will later become an integral part of the "beat" movement and become some of the most influential writers of our time including Jack Kerouac and Allen Ginsberg.  The story begins with a murder; due to unrequited love, a theme that is used heavily throughout the film, involving Norman Reedus (Boondock Saints) and a man who is obsessively in love with him, and it ends with a murder.  Both shaping the future work of the main characters.  My one gripe is the down play of Courtney Love's Vollmer addiction and deterioration due to drugs and alcohol.  But overall an interesting story with a great cast.  Plus Sam Tramell of True Blood fulfills some of my homosexual fantasies as a love interest/house boy to Boroughs.

Seems like this was a True Blood centric movie night with Evan Rachel Wood as Kimberly, the seemingly picture perfect, all-American girl in this satiric, black comedy.  Ron Livingston also makes his second appearance of the night as a well meaning English teacher who gets accused of sexual harassment by Kimberly and her small clique of friends.  The tagline for this film is "Revenge knows no mercy", a point made abundantly clear by the films final reveal.  Jane Krakowski from Alley McBeal is entertaining as the lesbian reporter who gets caught up in Kimberly's attempt at fame but the break out for me was Adi Schnall as Randa, a recent transfer student from the Middle East.

Catching up on my stories

Checked my Facebook earlier and noticed Anna commented on the pictures she posted from Jaime's younger brother's birthday party last weekend.  Jaime had mentioned to me he told his boyfriend, The Retard, nothing was going on but dinner.  He didn't want The Retard tagging along and putting a damper on the festivities, actually what Jaime said was, "he acts weird and will be up in my room all night and I don't want to babysit him."  Fair enough.


Unfortunately he didn't give Anna the heads up and The Retard got his feelings hurt stating he felt, "left out".  Guess Jaime appeased him by telling him Anna and I just showed up unannounced.  Same ole' Jaime.  Looks like some things never change.


She had a picture in particular where were sitting on Jaime's bed that night maxing out on left over taco salad.  I look like a big kid stuffing my face and Jaime had the goofiest grin while popping a chip in his mouth.


So I comment: "Jaime's so happy you'd think that was a dick flavored chip."


To which Anna retorts later in the day with: "Yeah, I guess yours was busy."


Whoa.


Considering what a bitch Jaime said The Retard's been playing when he opened up to me after Mexican Board Game Night, I didn't think this would be the best comment for him to read on his boyfriend's page.  Jaime has enough going on without needlessly adding to his issues with The Retard.  I know Anna meant no harm and I actually thought it was pretty funny.  I caved into my conscious and promptly called Anna and explained the situation, suggesting she delete the comment before The Retard gets a chance to sees it and starts to get ideas about Jaime and I.

After our talk the other night I guess I'm beginning to feel that protectiveness I had for Jaime once again.  I just have to remember to step back and allow him to live his own life but be there for me when I need, just as I expect him to do for me.  I think he may finally be worthy of that mantle he has sought so long:  best friend.  We just have to be careful about falling back into old pattern


We're supposed to have a GH marathon sometime next week. General Hospital and a box o' wine was a long time ritual for us after coming home from a long day working.  I noticed there has been a number of things I used to be into I have let fall to the side.  Things like comic book and action figure collecting and watching certain shows like Attack of the Show, The Soup and General Hospital.  For a long time some things were to painful to do without Jaime.  I'm glad I'm finally at the part where I can move on and look fondly at the past while remembering the mistakes I and those around me have made.  Now I can finally get back to my stories without crying for all the wrong reasons.





Did cousin Carly, rushing to General Hospital to get to her infant daughter who has just been diagnosed with baby cancer, run over and kill baby Jake, who coincidentally enough ended up giving up his kidney to save Joselyn from baby chemo. Carly also happens to be best friend's with the baby daddy, mob enforcer Jason Morgan, and first cousins with Lucky, who Jason signed over parental rights to in order to save Jake from being targeted by his enemies after he slept with and impregnated Lucky's wife, Slutty Liz who hates Carly. Whew.

Check out the rest of the suspect list of baby murders from ABC.com here.

Fuck you abc. Fuck you for making grown ass men cry.

A much needed rehashing of the past

I had an interesting conversation with Deejay today regarding his portrayal of the events leading to our break up over a decade ago to Dante the other week.  I was still a little annoyed at wondering what kind of reasoning Deejay could possibly have behind telling Dante we broke up because I cheated on him.  Deejay was going on about his trust issues with Jose stemming from all his failed relationships ending because he was betrayed in one way or another.

"Like when I cheated on you?" I asked.  He quickly switched the topic of conversation to his finding it difficult to be both mine and Dante's friends at time.  I told him it was easy, "don't gossip and don't talk shit."

Drunken confessions and rum soaked asses.

Got back from Dante's Mexican Board Game Night a little after midnight. Oddly enough, the night did not involve a ball in a cup, Mexico's very own Playstation.  I brought Jaime along but noticed he seemed a little uptight about being surrounded by so many new people.  I made sure to keep his run and cokes refilled to loosen up a bit.  He did.  A little.  We had a good time playing dirty charades and coming up with the funniest and grossest forms of scat.  Jun, Double T and a big group of Dante's buddies came over for tacos and a couple board games. Good night. Lots of fun.

On the ride afterwards Jaime told me he felt like a douche for bringing up how badly I was snoring last night during a cigarette break.  He didn't want Dante to think he was trying to prove anything or start any trouble.  I assured him Dante isn't like that and wouldn't take the comment in the wrong way but I told him I would make sure to bring it up to Dante just in case the air needed to be cleared.  Jaime and I spent last night with his family to celebrate his youngest brother's 19^th birthday.  I have been nothing but up front about my past with Jaime so I started thinking it may have bothered him to hear we're sharing a bed again but Jaime's like a brother to me now.  Or at least I'm trying to get back that friendship we once had.

Later at my place after a couple of hit from my bowl, Jaime opened up and vented about some issues he has been having lately with his family and especially with his boyfriend, The Retard.

It's good to know for certain I am over my feelings for Jaime. There wasn't a single part of me that felt good about hearing how hurt Jaime was. I listened to his venting and give him the best advice I could trying to give him the benefit of my mistakes. I'm older, I feel I've grown so much this last year when it felt like everything was stripped from me.  That's the main reason I wanted Jaime to join us tonight.  I want him to see the other side to having friends, real friends.  People who genuinely care about him and who don't enjoy cutting those down around them to make themselves feel better like The Retard and his band of bitchy queens.

I am only human.  I couldn't help feel a twinge of "Really?  This is what you tore apart a friendship of ten years for?  This is his "soul mate" who Jaime now describes as “devoid of any kind of personality”?  Who he claims is now a shadow of his former self.  A mere pathetic reflection of Jaime's own personality..  The Retard likes what Jaime likes.  The Retard wants to do what Jaime wants to do.  And even worse he's unappreciative and chronically miserable.  Sometimes I wonder if Jaime is staying with The Retard to save face so he doesn't feel like he's admitting he was wrong.  He made a mistake.  He fucked up.  I can't understand how, let alone why, he's still in this relationship.  What's worse Jaime's even having problems remaining physically and sexually attracted to The Retard due to what a “girl” he really is.  In not only what an issue his what a sissy he acts like but how dramatic his attitude is.

“A bitch,” Jaime cried loudly and angrily between puffs. “He's a fuckin bitch and I don't like women. I'm a gay man. I like men.”

Good boy.

It did hurt me to hear him cry about how neglected and unloved he felt at home and in his relationship. I told him I only want what's best for him and I will be there for him anytime he needs me.  But never over my own happiness or benefits.

I learn my lessons.

I can't help smile a little to see how the roles have switched. The Retard is the one crying and proclaiming his undying love for Jaime. He was even pathetic enough to tell him he could cheat on him if that's what it took to keep him. He'd look the other way.

Why would anyone want to be with anyone so pathetic? Look whose going through whose phone obsessively checking for texts and proof of infidelity now?

Fucking Retard.

I was surprised to hear Jaime wonder out loud if what The Retard is putting him through is somehow pay back for how things ended up with me.  Hm Growth.

...how the hell did Bryon expect me to get ANYONE to guess "the backseat of Rebecca's friend's car" in charades?!?  Dick.

More JIZZ!!!

A couple of hilarious parody's on the infamous PSA's shown after the 80's cartoon Jem and the Holograms (a la G.I. Joe style) brought to us by the brains behind personal fav, "Jizz", siennadenima at youtube.com.

New Wonder Woman outfit unveiled

The first picture of Adrianne Palicki (Legion, Friday Night Lights) in full on Amazon for the NBC pilot Wonder Woman, written by David E. Kelly (Boston Legal, Ally McBeal).

It's not the original American clad bathing suit we've all grown accustomed to but I like it.  Jaime disagrees with me, saying it's to bright and cartoony, like they found the outfit at a costume shop.  "I see that bitch every year at the comicon."

Let's just hope NBC doesn't fuck this one one up like they did Heroes. I'm still really pissed about that one. Goddammit.

I wonder if the whole costume change to modern up the character in the comics had anything to do with tying it into the show. Hmmm...

Check out this article about the reactions (including Gloria Stein's) to DC's decision to change Wonder Woman's outfit published in last July's issue of The Washington Post here

This is ADOR-BALLS!!!

Toon sex really doesn't do it for me but this is kinda cute.  It reminds me of the time my father rented me a video to teach me about sex.  It was full of cartoon penises and vaginas doing it.  I spent weeks filling secret notebooks with the cartoon husband and wife doing it in every position I could think of.  Probably not what they had in mind.

Drunk and whacking off before bed

HAPPY ST. PADDY'S DAY!!!

...here's Colin Farrel's cock

Enjoy.

stroking it

I like being able to actually have a conversation with the men I'm involved with.  I enjoy the challenge but sometimes it's just easier to deal with someone big and dumb, like this country ass po-dunk, corn fed hillbilly in this vid. They just have a tendency to agree more with you and just kinda let you have your way.  Plus what they lack in social skills they more than make up in other areas.  Like big ass dicks.

I'm gonna see this!

Hana's the story of a 16 year old, who despite what anyone says is played by Dakota Fanning and was raised to be the perfect assassin. Looks pretty interesting.

Me and my friend's are jizz Whores...

Jem was a girl's cartoon based on a doll line about an all girl's rock band who uses their hologram projecting machine to raise money to fund a home for troubled girls.

Jizz is a dubbed version of the 80's cartoon where the rock band uses their electronic drug dealer for money to fund an underage whore house with a penchant for abortion and skat.

"Let's go pro choice a baby out of a bitch."

We need more of these ASAP!

MY cheating heart?!?

What the hell could Deejay been thinking to believe it was ok to not only tell Dante the reason we broke up so long ago was my cheating on him, but then to ask him not to mention it to me?!?  So not only is my "friend" painting me as a cheater, I'm a "liar" too when I tell Dante I don't cheat on my boyfriends and he has already been told otherwise.

It meant a lot to me to hear Dante say he would explain to Deejay we don't keep things from one another in case he were to be confronted for telling me.  I explained the situation.  How EVERYONE does Deejay wrong in his eyes.  He has trouble seeing how his actions can cause certain situations.  It just really pissed me off.  I pride myself in being committed and honest in my relationships.

I've never been one to double dip. I believe if I'm with someone and I'm at the point where I'm gonna cheat on them, obviously there's a major flaw in the relationship. Better to break it off and end things positively than to damage my own integrity. Plus I don't need any karamic retribution coming my way.

Of course, mistakes are made. I'm only human. But the last and one of the only boyfriends I've cheated on was Andre. With Jaime, and Satan and Satan's brother, Antonio. But at this point he had already cheated on me with a good friend and got into the habit of disappearing on me for days on end while we lived together in Chicago Ridge, than would show up with dry, cracked nostrils, coked out of his mind from supposedly hanging out with his lesbians. I decided soon after it was over with Andre and soon after became involved with Antonio.

I never cheated on Deejay and even went as far as trying a threesome on his encouragement to make it work.

This thing with Dante is new.  I don't need people that are supposedly my friends infecting it with their own bullshit.  Especially since there are times I feel Deejay holds some kind of animosity towards me about having feelings for Dante.  Good thing we communicate well.

to douche or not to douche...

The other night before making our way out for drinks and gay dancing I couldn't stop laughing when Jason, Dante's best friend from back home, had us stop at the CVS for some emergency enemas.  Really?  There's so much more to being a bottom than I thought.

I brought it up again a few days ago while Dante was at work and Jason wanted me to score him some green for the long drive back home. I thanked him for the conversation on the playground the other night and we got into the topic of how the "special" dinner I had with Dante the night before went.

I filled him in. Dinner went great. I let Dante decompress in front of the flat screen while I showered and prepared. I walked out wearing little other than his favorite jock strap and proceeded to rub down every inch of his body. Then came the main attraction. And the let down.  I don't know if it's as psychological as I thought anymore.  It just hurts.  I tried.  I failed.

Jason tried to reassure me not to worry about it.  It could be stress related as well.  I hadn't even thought of that.  It takes a good amount of relaxing when it comes to taking it up the butt and I have had a lot on my mind lately with the unemployment and all.  Curiosity got the best of me and I had to ask him to explain the dynamics of using the enema.  I almost wish I hadn't asked.  Almost.  This knowledge my prove beneficial in the future.

I may have overstayed my welcome at Dante's but in my defense I was going home days ago but Jason asked me to stick around and hang out, mostly due to his wanting to smoke out.  I think that's the main reason for Dante's pissyness.  He said it was ok to smoke at his place cause Jason was there and it was a special occasion but I really think he underestimated what a pot head Jason really is, not to mention his new boyfriend, the Leprechaun.  Whatever.  I'll just give it a few days to get over it.

Hot Chip

Don't judge me until you see this video to completion.

What the hell is Paella anyways?

Getting a quick update in while Dante and Jun are out shopping for ingredients and booze for his "Crazy Paella Night" later.  I got Pandora blasting in the apartment while I take a break from cleaning up the place.  I'm trying my best to drown out the grunts and rustling from Jason banging the Leprechaun in the spare room.  It'll be pretty interesting if the rick shaw guy from the parade yesterday takes Jason up on his invitation.

Jun opted to go back to her place and sleep it off when Dante, Jason and I went out for dancing and drinks at Big Chick's last night where we ran into the Leprechaun, a good friend of Dante's.  Seems he and Jason had already gotten acquainted the night before.  Really acquainted.

We ended up in Boystown for a late night breakfast at the Gay-hop where Jason simultaneously hit on our homely waitress and scared the shit out of fairy couple on a date at the next table.

"I hate feminine guys!" 

Lol. Subtle.

Jason and I decided we wanted to continue the fun at Jackhammer but Dante decide he wanted to stay at his apartment.  I almost stayed with him but decided it may earn me a couple of cool points to have some bonding time with the "brother" figure.  Give him a chance to see first hand why I'm so awesome and Dante's lucky to have me.

I spent the rest of the night being dragged up and down the club like a rag doll by an extremely drunken and sweaty Arabian on the search for dick.  Luckily he found some geriatric steroid freak in a He-Man harness to catch his eye.

I kept myself busy, danced with a couple of guys.  The first's hands kept finding their way to my naughty bits and the other offered me some head in the bathroom so I ended up spending the rest of the night leaning against the wall doing me.  By doing me I mean adorably accepting drinks being offered while trying my best to avoid awkward conversation.  Soon after I found Jason and the Leprechaun, shirtless and sweatily macking in a dark corner.  He-Man Senior walked by and watched them for a second confused, then looked at me.  I shrugged and held up my drink in an apologetic toast.

Despite Jason's best efforts to lure the Leprechaun back to Dante's last night, we walked back alone.  Stopping at the playground nearby for a smoke we got into a long and interesting conversation.  I figured it was only a matter of time before Jason did the whole protective big brother thing.  It was a good talk.  Nice to hear Dante feels as strongly about me as I do about him.  I even opened up about my own insecurities.  Jason assured me I should hang in there.  Dante may be difficult but he really loves me.  He used the word love.  I think this weekend was really good for Dante and I.  We've been getting really closer.  More comfortable in acting like a couple in front of others.  It's like our guards are down and we can just be us.

Good music over drunken shamrock shakes

Hanging out at Dante's place after the St. Patrick's Day Parade earlier. He's preparing a traditional Irish holiday feast of tacos and vodka while me, his coworker, Jun, and Jason take turns playing music and watching episodes of Rick and Steve.





Good thing we took a break to chill before going out tonight. It felt like we spent most of the parade chasing after a drunken Jun, who began pregaming it at 10 a.m., around the parade as she attempted to locate her black/Irish breathren. We met interesting people who were more than happy to share their liquor and smoke with us after Dante's rum filled hydration pack ran out, but Jun's high pitched squeals of her family name as if it were a call to arms to anyone related to her around began to wear a bit thin after awhile. My attempt to take a break from the shrieking banshee by stashing her on a rickshaw to meet us at the hotel landed Jason the number of the hot bi-sexual driver. Bully for him.

We were still the center of attention during our trip to McDonald's to "sober her up" and it continued through the train ride back to Jun's friend's apartment where we parked Jason's truck.  A little much, but all in good fun.

Now to catch our second wind, have some tacos and go get shit faced and party again tonight! Woo Hoo!

Dante: "Just a warning, he can be a little overbearing. No filter to his mouth from his brain." Me: "Have you met me?"

Dante's best friend from back home, or brother as he likes to remind everyone, Jason drove into town earlier tonight. He asked me to hang around Dante's place to help unload everything Dante's parents sent for him, including an obscenely large Paella pot.

"You can cook a baby in that!" I pointed out.

Dante warned me about Jason's lack of tact before he arrived but I assured him I could hold me own.  I had to teach Jason a prompt lesson when the first thing he said to me was, "You must be Dante's faggot."

I was gracious yet firm as I introduced myself by my proper name and told him to use it from now on so we don't get off on the wrong foot.  I'm a firm believer of nipping it in the bud.

Smooth sailings after that.  Kinda.  Dante locked the keys inside the apartment while we were unpacking Jason's truck.  I was the only one small enough to fit through his bedroom window.  I lost my wallet on the el last week and haven't gotten around to getting a new license so I wasn't able to join them for drinks and bar hopping. I decided to hang out at Dante's apartment since I had early breakfast plans in the morning and the parade at Grant park afterwards.  I'm still getting used to public transportation and not really up for all that back and forth between Dante's place and mine.

This is a TERRIBLE idea for a scratch n sniff sticker!

This "artsy" pic of the Jackass guys is my current wall paper on my net book. When my friend Henley saw it she said it reminded her of a straight The L Word. I think I'm gonna pitch that idea to Comedy Central. Or Spike.

Can't sleep. Clowns will eat me.

Been getting back into my insomniac ways. Find myself just lying in bed staring at the wall for hours until the sun comes up so I've just been staying up, cleaning the place, doing laundry, working out, clearing my dvr. I thought spending the night at Dante's would maybe help but I ended up watching netflix on my netbook in bed till 4am. Then Dante opted to stay in bed cuddling and ended up getting to work at ten in the morning. I noticed a direct correlation between our sleep overs and his getting to work late the next morning. I think I need to start making a conscious effort to set my cell phone alarm to make sure he gets out the door in time. I don't want me being around to become a detriment.

Anyone else tired of these stank ass Bad Girl's Club whores telling us how classy they are?

Selective memories or bitchy queens with a confused sense of identity.

Yeah, Deejay always manages to remind me why he's a "friend" to maintain at arms length who I should NEVER discuss anything beyond the frivolous. Why the hell would he EVER tell Dante some completely distorted account of our breakup. Yes, I met Andre at the club while I was still with Deejay. Yes, I took his number when he gave it to me, but I did it because after talking to him at the bar I thought he was cool and would have liked to be his friend. I didn't cheat on Deejay, which for some reason out of all the supposed men who have done him wrong in the past he chooses to tell him about me and him. What he failed to tell Dante was how I never even used Andre's number until one day while working on Deejay's computer he gets an IM from some guy in New York who asks me who I am after I let him know Deejay wasn't at his computer. When I answer "his boyfriend", this guy who has been "chatting" with Deejay for over 6 months gets all pissy that he's never mentioned a boyfriend all this time. I just can't stand it when people want to play this role of innocence and act like every one is out to get them. Everyone does Deejay wrong, it's never due to his having the personality equivalent of a scouring pad. Sometimes I feel like Deejay makes it a point to try to rub it in my face what a wonderful relationship of a month he has with Jose. It took everything inside me to not bust out laughing in his face when he told me how they've been talking marriage and having children. Month or a decade. That's still a scary thought. I'm happy for my friend. But if I'm sitting there opening up to him about my problems with Dante lately, is it really necessary to go into how great him and Jose are in the same conversation.

If Deejay hadn't pissed me off the way he did I may have stuck up for him when Jose was playfully (but continuously) ragging on him for being pretty girly. We were watching a documentary about the levels of masculinity (and lack there of) within the gay community and how one side reacts to the other. I just stared at Deejay blankly as he had the unmitigated gall to go into a story about how his mother told him how thankful she was that her son ended up being a "manly" gay. WTF?!? He may as well coughed up a sequined purse while he said that. Wow.

Then I could have got up and left when he went into a tirade at how he could NEVER live on what I made at my last position. He's too "booji" (a phrase he's picked up from Dante) for that. I was this close. But I maintained.

"well I've been afraid of changing, cause i've built my life around you."

Watched the last episode of Glee at Deejay's earlier. And by the way, I'm really hating how my complaining is becoming less and less when people force me to watch this show. He started crying at this scene. I called him a "faggot" and asked him to show me his overflowering vagina. Defense mechanism. Making fun of Deejay allowed me not to listen to the words of this song and cry myself. This song always made me think about how I felt when The Mis-, I mean Jaime, moved out of our place. I'm a dick.

A reason, a season, a lifetime...

An old friend of mine visiting in town sent me this poem years ago when we first met. I was going through a lot with "Satan", he was having problems of his own. We came into each others lives when we both just needed a friend. This always stuck out in my mind and has been a gauge for the people in my life.

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.



When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.



Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.



Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.



LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.



Thank you for being a part of my life,
whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

Aleksandra Lachut

WTF?!?!?

...is this racist?

I WANT THEM ALL!

I gotta get on the wait list for these sold out armed notebooks from MollaSpace.com. Cause my words are like weapons! I SPITS HOT FI-YAH! ...I'm so hood. :)

check em out and the rest of the inventoryhere.

fuzz covered peeps, plastic footies and butter cream penises.

I took The Mistake, which I think I've healed enough to start referring to him as Jaime again, to meet with Dante and friends for bowling to celebrate his friend's birthday. Jaime and I pregamed it by polishing off that bottle of whiskey Ron left at my place the other night. It was a good time overall. Fun crowd. Deejay came with his boyfriend, Jose, who I've decided to befriend after tonight. Towards the end of the night, I couldn't help being bothered by how much trouble TnT's bald headed sasquatch buddy had keeping his hands off of Dante, or even more bothered by how little it seemed to bother him.

Now I've said this countless times, I'm not a jealous person. I just don't believe in sharing my things. Never had. Kindergarten report card? Sharing? CHECK MINUS, BITCHES!

I don't know. This can just be me. Dante's a friendly guy who knows alot of people. It just seems where ever we go there never seems to be a lack of men putting their hands on him. Boo. I'm probably just feeling neglected. I didn't even wanna go to gay ass Madonna-rama at Berlins. But it would have been nice to be asked. Like he may actually want to spend time with me. I just kinda did a quick 'goodbye' and grabbed Jaime and we were outta there while everyone was getting ready to leave. I barely said goodbye to Dante. Just didn't wanna look him in the face so he can see how bothered I am at his indifference. I got a text from Dante as I drove Jaime's car back to my place telling me what a great time everyone had and letting me know he didn't end up going out. Still would have been nice to have spent the night with him. Jaime could have driven himself back to The Retard's (that goofy bastard's name stays).

I was so excited to see Dante tonight and I had a great time but then again, there just always has to be something that rubs me the wrong way and I end up with hurt feelings. I know it can't be ribbons and sausages 24/7 but I'm sure the good and the bad shouldn't be too well balanced, cause then, what's the point?

The birthday boy, one of Dante's ex-roommates, and myself partook in a bit of marijuana out in the parking lot. Jaime overheard Dante and a couple of his friend's conversation after leaving us outside.

"Are they still out there?"

"What are they doing?"

"Oh, that."

Jaime spent the rest of the night thinking I was blowing lines off the toilet every time I went to the bathroom and it wasn't until we got back into the car and I told him he missed Dante's old roommate's hitter box go a couple of rotations outside that we cleared that little misunderstanding.

Maybe I need to take my own advice and man the fuck up.  My vagina's starting to flower.  Guess I'm just overly sensitive cause I got an email late friday evening that the radio station went with another candidate for the position.  Boo.  Oh well, the grind starts again tomorrow.  Gonna force myself to get on a regular exercise routine again.  Cause this extra padding I've been lugging around isn't cute.  The late night hitting of the drive thru for McDoubles with Jaime doesn't help either.  I'm such a fat ass.

"I got you all figured out. You need everyone's eyes just to feel seen."

I've had a pretty chill weekend reconnecting with The Mistake. As opposed to Dante who's every move I've been able to track on his facebook page since for some reason he feels the need to "check in" with every different club or bar he hits. Whatever. Kinda douchey if you ask me but then again he never does. That's the problem. I haven't heard much from him this week cause he was busy partying but tonight when we're at the bowling alley to celebrate Trey of TnT's birthday I'm sure he's gonna be too partied out to even have a drink with me. I'm starting to see a pattern here. And it's not cute.

I'm just feeling like his friends and having a good time are what takes precedence in his life at the moment. There's nothing wrong with that. But as a love interest it gets hard to maintain interested in someone who doesn't seem too interested in you.

Optioning my options

So I met a guy. Ron works at a homeless shelter and manages an amateur football team in his spare time. He's cute. Masculine. Doesn't hang out in boystown. He shoots whiskey like a champ and he likes me. He's very laid back and easy going. He's chill. I like chill. I'm chill.

I'm not too sure what's going on with Dante and I but I know we're not official and I have every right to explore my options. Dante told me he wasn't sure if he was ready to not be single any more. Maybe it's time I start enjoying being single myself.

I'm so going to hell...

Ok, I'm a pretty nice guy... overall.  But there are just some things that set me off and flip to Dr. Jeckyl.

Case in point, an old friend interrupts my Walking Dead marathon last night wanting me to score him some party favors for a night out.

First thing out of his mouth, "Oh my god.  You're so big."  He then turns to The Mistake and asks him what he's been feeding me.

I managed to bite my tongue long enough to refrain from telling him not all of us can benefit from the Cocaine and HIV diet.

Too far?

I may just let him slap me around a bit with a schlong like that.

Just this afternoon I was thinking to myself, I said, "Self, I wish Pandora had some sort of woman beater filter on it's play list," when I had to waste one of my skips on a Chris Brown song. Later that night I came across a link with a naked picture of the singer he sent an ex girlfriend. I guess that answers why he's still getting laid after beating the shit out of Rhianna.

What I'm Listening to...

The Walking Dead Marathon Tonight on AMC!!!!

Dante got another busy weekend lined up celebrating friend's birthday's and taking his friend from Miami around town so I decided to have The Mistake over for The Walking Dead Marathon tonight at 8pm on AMC. Beer, pizza, a bag of weed and we are set for the night.




Just finished the 8th issue of The Walking Dead comic the other night. Eighty more to go.

rest in peace Eddie

I partied with Marky the other night. We haven't hung out just the two of us in some time. We kinda took a break after the whole Matt drama but it was good to see him. Had an awesome time.

Marky filled me in on Abe running off to the lone star state to "visit family" for a couple months. I have a feeling his parents sent him away to clean out. The last couple times I saw him he seemed pretty deep into the scene. I was almost worried but anytime I would question him he assured me he had everything in control. I can't help but to remember my old friend, Eddie.

I met Eddie soon after I made my Boystown debut under "Satan's" arm. Anytime we ran into each other at the clubs he would supply me with any party favors needed, pro bono. He was an aspiring singer. He actually had a pretty good voice. We started hanging out outside of the clubs and we became fast friends. I was pretty sure he had a crush on me, but I wasn't really into him as any thing more than a buddy.

So we're out partying one night. I'm with my boyfriend at the time, Andre and Eddie has an old friend from high school and her boyfriend with him. Nothing really seemed out of the ordinary at the time but in hindsight Eddie was being a little more generous with the goods than usual. We after partied at his friend's place for a couple hours before Andre and I made our way back to my place.

The next day when I called Eddie from work I was surprised when his mother answered the phone. She asked who I was than told me he wasn't available at the moment before quickly hanging up. Less than ten minutes later I get a call from Eddie's phone. It's his mother. She tells me Eddie died that morning. It took me a moment to process what she had said. I fought back tears. I gave her my condolences and promptly hung up.

I gotten along well with his friend the night before and exchanged numbers. I quickly called her and she was hysterical. She said they continued to party until Eddie started to feel sick. She and her boyfriend went to bed and left Eddie to sleep on the couch. She found him dead in the morning. She thought he must have just kept snorting line after line until it was too much for him. Eddie was a club dealer, he had endless supplies of whatever guys were in the market for. In all the time I knew him he was under control. Sure he partied, but he knew his limits. This was wrong. He knew better than to accidentally overdose. She than told me he left her a heart felt goodbye. He meant to kill himself. And I knew the letter he left behind wasn't meant for her.

I nervously attended the wake and was disgusted at the circus every morbidly curious fag Eddie ever bumped into at the clubs and all his customers made it feel like. Especially to someone who he actually meant something to. A few days before he died I told him I thought of him as my best friend. He got all sentimental and told me how much I meant to him. I didn't understand what "Satan" (we'll just refer to him as "S" from now on) was doing there specifically.

I cried myself to sleep for a week. I felt like as his friend I should have known something was wrong. If only I would have stayed longer that night and not left him alone with his thoughts. I felt guilty for partying with him that night. Like I assisted him in getting to the point he felt he had no choice but to kill himself. I felt guilty about knowing what I know about the reason behind his suicide.

This is also about where the beginning of the end for Andre and I started. He was actually jealous about the feelings I was having at Eddie's death.

Hopefully Abe gets whatever help he needs. I'm gonna try to visit Eddie's grave soon. I feel like to this day I have yet to have found as good of a friend.

This is almost enough to make me go back to church.